Miscommunication Is a Problem of Overconfidence

Miscommunication isn’t just about misunderstanding. It’s about misplaced certainty.

A friend of mine wanted to upgrade his website. He was doing most of the design himself but needed someone to help finish the job.

He found a designer he liked and sent her his site. A few days later, she came back with a quote that was way higher than he expected. She told him the project was going to take much more work than he thought.

He was confused because he thought the site was basically done.And he started getting upset, feeling like maybe she was trying to rip him off.

They went back and forth:

"But my site is mostly finished. I just need to make sure it works on all devices."

"Your site is missing a lot. Some pages don’t even have copy. This is going to be a big job. I’m not trying to overcharge you."

The more they tried to explain themselves, the worse it got. My buddy was fuming and had zero trust in this designer. 

Before he gave up and went another direction he decided to give her a call. Within five minutes they’d figured out the problem: He had sent her the wrong link to his site.

She wasn’t looking at the updated site that he was looking at - she was looking at a much older version that did need a complete overhaul.

He sent her the right link. She opened it up, took a look, and laughed.

"Ohhh, yeah -  this is a much easier project. I get why you thought I was ripping you off."

What a great example of miscommunication in action, huh?

No one was trying to be difficult. No one was lying.They just weren’t looking at the same thing. But they thought they were. And that’s where things went sideways.

I laughed when I heard this story because it’s such a perfect example of how our minds work.

We love feeling like we’ve got things figured out. Our brains are wired to crave certainty. And so, as soon as we feel sure, we stop checking.

I call it the Confidence Trap. It’s a cause of so many of our problems, including most cases of miscommunication. 

Interestingly, miscommunication doesn’t happen when people are confused. Confused people ask questions and seek clarity until they feel like they’ve got it.

Miscommunication happens when everyone thinks they’re clear.

Good communication requires us to be more curious, to seek what we might be missing in order to more fully understand each other. 

Here are three practices that can help:

1. Listen Like You Mean It

This might seem like an obvious tip, but it’s amazing how little we really listen these days. I often find I’m good at looking like I’m listening, but really I’m thinking about what’s next on my to do list.

Focused listening is rare. I’m talking about being fully present. No distractions. No multitasking. No jumping ahead in your head.

The more you can devote your attentional resources to a conversation, the better the chances you’ll reach a deep understanding of that conversation. 

2. Say It Back Before You Move On

This one always feels a bit weird if you’ve never practiced it, but repeating back what you think you heard is one of the simplest and most powerful ways to avoid confusion.

Try something like,

“Okay, just to make sure I’m understanding you…”or

“Let me say this back and see if I’ve got it right…”

It’s amazing how often two people realize they’re not actually on the same page with this practice. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve avoided bigger communication calamities by checking my understanding of someone in the minute they’ve shared with me. 

Remember, most miscommunication doesn’t come from not explaining clearly. It comes from assuming we’ve already understood.

3. Stay Curious a Little Longer

We tend to cut off curiosity the moment we feel like we “get it.” Our certainty-loving brains are ready to move on once we’re sure about things. Which is, as we know, where we’ve vulnerable to getting things wrong.

So next time you feel ready to move on, pause for just a beat longer than is comfortable. Ask one more question, check one more angle. Stay curious, even if it feels unnecessary.

You might discover something small that changes everything. Or you might just confirm you're aligned. Either way, that extra moment of curiosity builds stronger communication - and stronger trust.

Clarity Comes from Curiosity

For years I could be caught thinking that miscommunication was the result of people not being smart or articulate enough. Until I noticed just how much I found myself misunderstanding and feeling misunderstood.

We’re all vulnerable to miscommunication, because our minds love to think we’ve got things figured out. The confidence we experience blinds us to other possibilities, and we stop checking the message, stop asking for clarity, and turn off our curiosity engines. 

When we remember that we’re always missing something - not occasionally, but always - we’re called to show up differently. We listen more intentionally, ask better questions, and build more trust.